Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
