Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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