I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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