Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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