My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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