dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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