Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
