I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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