You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
