Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
