I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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