when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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