We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
