I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
