party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
