I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
