Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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