ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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