Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
