My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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