Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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