my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i now understand why vodka
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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