My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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