you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
