Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
