i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
