woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
