why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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