4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Life is so much better after having sex.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize