Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
