i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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