The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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