If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
