he puts the penis in happiness.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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