Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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