I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
