Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
