WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Bring me that man meat
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
