I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Your cock deserves a montage
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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