mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
