im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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