Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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