You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize