the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
