I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
