Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
