watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
