Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize