My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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