.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
