I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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