I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
