Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
