I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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