There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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