okay pat passed out under dana's car
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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