I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize