She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
