someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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