i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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