I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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