I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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